Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Active Queue Management

A queue of standby appointments, yesterday.

    So the Genius and FRS team don't call people's names out anymore? And you don't need to book in advance? Who is supposed to open the sessions? What the fuck is going on??

    As if swapping 50 phones a day doesn't make you want to commit suicide already, Apple have found a way for you to swap even more, called Active Queue Management. It involves 2 whole people wandering around with iPads not swapping phones but forming a queue of happy customers. For the Phone Swapping Family Room Team it basically means the second you give someone another refurbished "remanufactured" handset, you are handed another broken iPhone to start the process over again, meaning you're swapping upwards of 70 phones a day.

    This is definitely not what I was supposed to do with my life.

iPhone 4G - An outdated design or just an outdated ripoff?

    For those of you familiar with the mobile world the N800(on the left) or N810(N900's predecessor) are some of the best tablets ever created by Nokia back in 2007. However, the resemblance with the iPhone 4G is astonishing if you keep in mind that the N810 if you notice the 4G is also more tilted in the picture above.
   Before saying how thick N800/N810 is consider that it also packs a full qwerty, stereo speakers, a kickstand, a stylus, a removable battery and it was designed 3 years ago.

     We also want to remind you Apple is involved in countless patent lawsuits, with with almost every single GSM manufacturer on the planet - "awkwardly" all GSM companies hold more patents against Apple (eg. Nokia has 24 claims against Apple which only has only has 13) - the importance is not ours to judge but the older you are in a business the more likely it is for you to own the most relevant patents. The outcome of this will certainly be an interesting one.

   After three years of delivering virtually the same design, you come up with this edgy design? I know edgy was a trend in cars around the 80s, but this is 2010! Wake up Apple, is that all you can do?

    This is what the young Steve Jobs had to add:

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Ron Johnson

Ron Johnson, Senior Vice President of Retail Operations
    This is the guy responsible for all the stuff that goes on in Apple Retail. If you're doing repairs until midnight, I'm pretty sure it's cos this guy hates your wife and your social life. It's people like this that think they're the ones who have made Apple so much money, they honestly believe they know what goes on in stores. And I'm sick of his fucking voice, and face, in all those shit videos you have to watch during the brainwashing sessions store meetings.

     Here's an image of the life-enricher in a retail store during the iPad launch. The image may or may not have been tampered with.

HTML5 Coming summer 2022

   Apple’s recent changes to their developer agreement have unleashed a torrent of anger, hate, and divisiveness on the Internet (which, to my knowledge, has never happened before).  To summarize, Apple announced that the only languages that can be used to develop applications for the iPhone are Javascript, C, C++, and Objective C.  This change was seen as a slap in the face to Adobe who was developing a Flash-to-iPhone app converter that would have made it easy to migrate a Flash application to the iPhone.
     Through all of this bitterness, many have argued that Flash is ready for the deadpool – some even cheering its demise.  I disagree.  Actually, I believe just the opposite is true.  Here are 5 reasons why Flash won’t be going away anytime soon.

1. HTML5 is still very immature.

        HTML5 is everyone’s favorite choice as a Flash replacement. Read the comments sections on just about any blog or article about this topic, and HTML5 is often hailed as the greatest thing to happen to computing since Apple “invented” the mouse (with Xerox’s help).  The problem with HTML5 is that it’s still an immature and unfinished platform.  While it’s supported by the very latest versions of Firefox, Safari, and Chrome, it’s not yet fully supported in Internet Explorer (although IE9 will bring support eventually). If most of the browsers on the web don’t yet support HTML5, it’s not a fully supported standard.
       Then consider that even the editor for the HTML5 standard says that it won’t be finalized until 2022, and that it won’t even be in a final draft stage until 2012:
     It is estimated by the editor that HTML5 will reach the W3C Candidate Recommendation stage during 2012. That doesn’t mean you can’t start using it yet, though. Different parts of the specification are at different maturity levels. Some sections are already relatively stable and there are implementations that are already quite close to completion, and those features can be used today (e.g. < canvas >). But other sections are still being actively worked on and changed regularly, or not even written yet.
      The canvas tag is the feature that most people associate with HTML5, but for browsers to simply support that one tag is a far cry from a Flash replacement.  Still lacking are any tools for syncing audio and video, interactive vector graphics, and any kind of development environment.  HTML5 canvas also has no performance optimization.  A recent study showed that unless you’re using Safari on the Mac, Flash performance beats HTML5 every time.

Justifying bullshit

    Before you stop caring, you will find yourself justifying bullshit things about the products, like why an iPod doesn't come with a fucking charger. Who remembers selling these bastard things for the 1st iPhone?

An additional adapter was needed to use your own headphones

Probably backed up with;

"Yeah, it's like narrower here so like rain won't get in and stuff"

    But once you get your first Solid after a year of caring, you'll just start admitting that it is in fact bullshit.

App Store censorship: where to draw the line?

    Apple sells a plethora of music and movies via the iTunes Store, replete with sexual or violent content and foul language, while CEO Steve jobs has no problem pointing fingers at Android:
"There’s a porn store for Android… you can download it, your kids can download it. That’s a place we don’t want to go, so we’re not going to"
    Of course sex, violence and abusive language is "ok" to be presented in a more stimulating fashion such as video or audio, but a book that could have such a content is absolutely outrageous!
"We’ve reviewed Eucalyptus — classic books, to go. and determined that we cannot post this version of your iPhone application to the App Store because it contains inappropriate sexual content and is in violation of Section 3.3.12 from the iPhone SDK Agreement which states:
                   “Applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive or defamatory content or materials of any kind (text, graphics, images, photographs, etc.), or other content or materials that in Apple’s reasonable judgement may be found objectionable by iPhone or iPod touch users.”
     Apparently, not even publishing a cartoon with political jokes is acceptable. Why should it make any difference if the content comes in the form of a song, a movie, or an iPhone app?
Well it seems to be making a lot of difference in the communist iTunes Store since there already are websites crawling with silly games and even apps that will allow you to access files and folders or send files via bluetooth, all forbidden by Apple.
    But they will gladly make an exception for you if you are famous, since the thing Apple thrives on most, is advertising. In other words, Apple has no problem in breaking the rules they enforce upon anyone else if it suits them.
If you want to get past Apple's unpredictable App Store censors, it's simple: Just go win a Pulitzer Prize, and/or inspire an online revolution.
    That seems to be the message being sent by Cupertino this week in a very public iPhone app rejection fiasco. Word broke on Thursday that Apple had rejected a cartoon app created by Mark Fiore, a cartoonist who recently made history by becoming the first online-only journalist to win a Pulitzer. Fiore received the award for animations he'd published at the Web site of the San Francisco Chronicle.
    Fiore's iPhone app, however, was reportedly shot down by Apple because it "ridicule[d] public figures" -- you know, as most satirical political cartoons tend to do. But the story didn't end there: The general silliness of a ban on political satire, coupled with Fiore's high-profile honor for that same genre of work, led to a public outcry over Apple's actions and that public outcry has seemingly now led to Apple rethinking its ban.

Friday, 16 April 2010

The ignorance of 'the'

Correct grammar is also not available.
    Every Mac user, including the ones that make the signs for the retail stores, have an app installed on their computer called 'Dictionary', but Apple act as if the word 'the' is forbidden. If they did a spotlight search for 'the', they'd notice a definition comes up, and should pay particular attention to the 3rd point down. I can only imagine on corporate computers it comes up with something like this:
used to make a generalized reference to something rather than identifying a particular instance he taught himself to play violin.

Youtube to break compatibility with iPhone?

       According to Ozcarguide.com the newest version of Flash might disable youtube for iPhone users. However they do not provide a reliable source for the information and we believe the flash version they are talking about is Flash Player RC1.
       Since the Flash client is only a release candidate we suspect the issue should be isolated to a few servers and probably fixed in the release version.


Adobe Flash Player Update Affects YouTube, iPhone Users Screwed

Adobe Flash Player Update     "If you've been over to YouTube today you may have come across a little problem. The recent Youtube upgrade has left users without the latest Adobe Flash player update unable to watch any of the videos."

Flash upgrade now available


     "If you have a PC or netbook all you have to do is download the latest Adobe Flash player update to fix the problem. However if you're planning to visit YouTube on your iPhone or iPad then there may be a few issues. The latest Adobe software version,, does not work on the iPhone or iPad yet. While it sounds ridiculous for both Adobe and Google owned YouTube to leave Apple users in this predicament, it comes as no surprise as both companies have ongoing problems with Apple at the moment.
     For starters, Apple's bid to block Flash applications in its latest iPhone 4.0 OS has led to Adobe working on a possible lawsuit against them. Additionally, Google has been in cut throat competition with Apple for some time now with their range of similar products. To summarize, Nexus One vs iPhone, iPad vs Google tablet and Chrome vs Safari.
     The latest version of Flash can be downloaded from Adobe's official website"

Daily Download

Fucking hell, probably in the top 10 worst things about working here. Fucking cheering on a daily basis about sales figures, we get it, sell more onetoone.

"Yesterday we took THIS much money, but today we want to take more". When managers mention YTD %age, does anyone else not get pissed off that their paycheck is nowhere near that figure?

Just try to stay out of the line of sight and drift off thinking of how shit your life has become since you heard this shit 5 times a week.

For those who miss it, here is your bog-standard cheers and whoops after a daily brainwash, which in our store has been affectionately renamed 'Daily Brownload' to coincide with the torrent of shit you are about to endure.


iPad early adopters are fanboys - statistically speaking

Greg Packer, America's fanboy #1, first in line for the iPhone
Remember kids, you''ll grow up to be just like him!
     Research firm Piper Jaffray has released a survey today that includes the results of 448 launch day iPad buyers, and it appears that most are what could be considered Apple "fanboys."
    74 percent of the buyers were current Mac users, and 96 percent of those were completely satisfied with their Mac computers.
    66 percent of the buyers own iPhones. 13 percent owned Amazon Kindle e-readers but 58 percent were set to replace it with the iPad.
    The most popular model purchased was the cheap $499 16GB model, at 39 percent of all buys, followed by the more expensive 32GB model at 32 percent.

Read more »
    74 percent of all buyers will use the iPad for Internet surfing, with 38 percent using the device for e-book reading, according to the chart below:

EasyPay & EasyPay Touch

The first 3 iPhone generations - Brought to you by Windows CE

It's not easy, it's fucking shit.

    Screen calibration is shit, battery is shit, and just when you go to use it it needs to be reset because of low memory, while you have to make more bullshit small talk with some stupid idiots who have just spent half an hour bending your ear picking a fucking iPod case. Worst is when the battery dies halfway through a transaction, and you then have to majorly fuck about to see if it's actually billed the customer.

     I've been handed similar things as a customer in probably every restaurant I've eaten in within the last 5 years, without any problem, and they usually have a printer built in. But we couldn't do that, we have to try and turn everybody into digital fucking Human 2.0s by emailing their receipt, despite the fact that they may actually be classed as a fossil.

EasyPay Touch: Are you taking the fucking piss?
    Are you ready? Seriously, here comes Apple's greatest show of ignorance to the UK Retail market ever: EasyPay Touch. They said it was gonna be amazing - no more Fujitsu B for Bullshit-Pads with shite batteries and terrible screens, you get to use an iPod! Sounds great right?
    But guess what? There's no chip-and-pin card reader on it.

     For fuck's sake, let me just drag you over here to put your card in the slot, then I'll drag you over here to get a bag for you and then finally over here to get your receipt.

[iPhone Jokes] And it's pretty hard to use phone!


Seriously, how long before this happens?   (Only 4 of these are real)
Have you ever noticed the promo shots of Apple retail, and now ethnically diverse it is? From the images they fabricate you'd think it would be a place where no matter what race you are, you can all laugh about Micro-DVI together.

I once got an email back from an appointment at the Genius Bar, and the image did not reflect the store in question- although they did have a girl there (probably to build up the stats).

Apple is afraid of competition

     Apparently "Android" is a four-letter word in Cupertino. The flash card app Flash of Genius was a finalist in Google's Android Developer Challenge, and the developers thought that was worth mentioning in the description of the iPhone version of their app. Apple didn't agree, and sent the developers an email asking them to remove the Android line from their app description, under threat of an "interruption" in Flash of Genius' availability on the app store.

      I like Apple, but does anyone else think this seems a bit like a movie gangster cliché? It's just shy of showing up in a dark pinstripe suit, carrying a baseball bat and saying "It would be a shame if anything happened to your ... availability in the app store." There's no official ban on mentioning Android, as far as we know, so the email said that the description "contains inappropriate or irrelevant information." Apple mentioned the Android award specifically, though, without referring to Flash of Genius' other boasts about mentions in books and newspapers.

     What's the deal, Apple? Is this a one-time fluke that deserves an apology, or are we going to see all Android mentions consistently removed in the future? For Flash of Genius' part, they're contacting Apple to find out if there's any acceptable way to mention their award without getting their app booted from the store.

Employees that toy with ways to wear the t-shirts

The kernal panic of retail attire


    You will become sick of wearing the same t-shirt everyday, but no doubt be too tired and depressed to change out of it when you get home. Taking on board the old 'think different' slogan, there will be some employees that will try to stir up the way in which they wear their t-shirt.

     My least favorite is this: the shirt under the t-shirt. Must be fucking uncomfortable.

Trying To Fight Weak Sales, Apple Prepares iPhone With WiFi In China

       The iPhone has been a flop in Asia, only selling around 200,000 units in its first quarter in the country. One reason: It doesn't have WiFi, while grey market versions of the phone do.
      Apple's Chinese partner, China Unicom, tells the WSJ that could change.
     China Unicom's CEO hinted Apple is preparing to ship an iPhone with WiFi in it, but he didn't say when.
When Apple first entered the Chinese market, regulations barred cellphones from having WiFi. Instead, the phones had to have a Chinese standard called WAPI.
     After Apple redesigned its phone to include this standard, China changed the regulation so that phones with WAPI could also have WiFi. By the time the regulations had changed it was too late, Apple had manufactured phones without WiFi.
     It looks like the next version will have WiFi, which ought to help sales, at least a little bit.
Overall though, we don't think this sends sales to the moon. Apple still has a high price tag on the phone. And it will still be competing with the grey market.

Management speak

I fucking hate management speak, more so than Mr. Brent in fact. Overcoming objections, creating promoters, getting to yes, enriching lives, all that shit.

Someone at Apple has definitely spent some time on http://whatthefuckismysocialmediastrategy.com/

iPhone vs Others: The Mobile OS Market

Via: Gartner, Gigaom

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

The fake love of music

As I'm sure we're all aware, Apple LOVEs music.

     They love the Beatles so much they even stole the name of their record company. Sometimes they have to get John Mayer to sing live for them to remind themselves of 'why we do what we do', but did you know the artists actually get paid less than from sales on iTunes that physical CDs? Where does the money that's been saved from packaging and shipping actually go? Hhmmm, I wonder.


iPad banned from several American universities over security concerns

   Three high-profile American universities, Cornell University, Princeton University, and George Washington University, have banned the iPad from their campuses. They call the device a “security risk”. So much for the iPad being the darling of higher education - not like it had real productivity an office features in the first place anyway.
     The story, first reported in the Wall Street Journal, notes that the iPad is incompatible with certain security features of Cornell’s and GWU’s wireless network, something that’s not the case when you’re dealing with “regular” laptops and netbooks running full operating systems in Windows or Linux and the more advanced smartphone OSes like Symbian, Android or Maemo/MeeGo.
       It isn’t a case of these universities “hating” the iPad, or unfairly singling it out, it’s just that it’s not compatible. Please put down your pitchforks, Apple fans. Apple will probably release a fix for the iPad and the universities will make sure it works with their networks as soon as possible, maybe even in time for the beginning of the fall semester. These things—apple releasing software updates, restructuring a large network—take quite a bit of time.
       It’s not the first time that Apple products have had a hard time on college campuses. When the iPhone was first released, in 2007, Duke University first complained about security issues.The culprit, it seems, is the aluminum housing which was also present on the first iPhone - however Apple seems to have long forgotten that and placed an even larger interference dish on the iPad.

Via: WSJ

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Store designs

    It took me a while to fucking hate this, but the ostentatiousness of some of the store fronts pisses me off.

     Putting this on the corner of Central Park opposite the Plaza is the retail equivalent of walking down 5th Avenue in a suit made of negotiable bearer bonds with your cock out, talking loudly on an iPhone.

There`s no app for that! (missing features)

iOS 5.0

   iDon't have audio/video streaming for 90% of the multimedia sites.
   iDon't have Flash or Flash Lite - flash sites, apps or games simply do not work.
   iDon't have push idle so battery drains very fast even on push.
   iDon't have push e-mail if i'm jailbroken, even if it's a paid service! (certificate conflict)
   iDon't render HTML5 graphics, nor can iHandle HTML5 controls.
   iDon't process HTML attachments correctly.

File management:
   iDon't have access to my internal folders by any means - no app in the iStore allows this!
   iDon't even have access to set mp3s as ringtones.
   iDon't handle DivX, XviD, FLV native video.
   iDon't handle ZIP, RAR or SFX - no app in the iStore allows this! 

iPhoneOS, SDK and Security limitations:
   iDon't support widgets of any kind on the home screens.
   iDon't have proper file security, mp3 files are watermarked with personal data.
   iDon't have proper application security, any iStore app can steal personal data.
   iDon't have proper platform security, any non-iStore app can break your device.
   iDon't have user privacy for: online shopping(1), visited sites(2), your location(3)
   iDon't have native multitasking(1), apps have to be specially coded for multitasking (1993)(2)

   iDon't have built-in basic functionality like:
   sending contact cards via BT, TO-DO application, save web pages, calendar week view, etc.
   MACos and iOS are based on open source software,
   yet iTunes treats free open source applications like purchases + FairPlay DRM wrap.

iPhone 4S

   iDon't have full GPRS/EDGE speed (CLASS 10 is four times slower than CLASS 33!)
   iDon't have a decent GSM/GPS/WiFi signal(1) the connection is far worse than on 3GS(2)
   iDon't handle carrier/network videocall - can't videocall other devices.

   iDon't have DLNA (streaming HD content wireless on a HDTV).
   iDon't have UPnP technology (automatic WiFi setup) some networks simply don't work.

   iDon't fully support AVRCP (BT remote)(1) industry standard(2) can't skip tracks.
   iDon't support any Bluetooth services when pairing with a MacBook.
   iDon't have any BT file sharing - my Bluetooth is almost useless! 

   iDon't have PC/MAC/LINUX connectivity without iTunes.
   iDon't have standard USB connectivity/charging(1) without custom cables and adapters(2)
   iDon't have standard TRSR headset wiring,  TRRS  requires a jack adapter.
   iDon't give a damn about the environment: short cables but tons of iAccesories. 

Screen/User Interface:
   iDon't have themes support.
   iDon't have a scalable OS, apps on the iPad are simply stretched to fit.
   iDon't have a desktop, entire UI is (dis)organized as a single "start" menu.
   iDon't have neither haptic nor any other type of touch feedback whatsoever.
   iDon't have a standard(16:10, 16:9, 4:3) aspect ratio, videos don't fit my screen too well.

   iDon't have an FM radio or transmitter.
   iDon't have ISO control (any phone has this feature).
   iDon't have exposure control or any camera settings (any phone has this feature).

   iDon't eject my sim without a special key.
   iDon't have a removable battery.
   iDon't have micro SD/expandable memory, you're stuck to buying overpriced models.
   iDon't have a proper build quality, uninsulated antenna causes dropped calls 
   iDon't have a proper build quality, uninsulated antenna causes slow internet connections.
   iDon't have a proper build quality, screen/back scratch/shatter easier than ever.
   iDon't sell cheap but my value at FOXCONN in China(1), where I am made, is ~190$(2)

Hardware flaws (exclusively in iPhone 4):
   External uninsulated antennae that cause dropped calls and slow internet connections. 
   Screen and back made out of cheap glassy material that both scratches and cracks.
   Dead pixels and light leakage on the "Retina" display.
   Inverted volume controls on some units.
   SIM cards don't work in some units.
   Camera doesn't work in some units.
   Proximity sensor doesn't work in some units.
   Microphone doesn't work in some units.

[...]many other non-touch devices have offered for a long time all the functions numbered here but for the sake of fair-play they have not been considered in this document. Experienced users can enable few of the missing software features by jailbreaking that often leads to breaking the GSM and email function or worse. Ultimately Apple has declared jilbreaking illegal!

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Welcome to The iPhone Fever!

    If you visit our blog, you're as welcome as in your best friend's home. 

    But as he doesn't allow you to rip the drapes or the paintings of his walls, we don't like it if you break our content and design.