Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Tutorial: How to take your lunch break

Apple employees' lunch boxes, yesterday.
It's not unusual to say that the person who most wants power and authority is, most often, probably not the best person to have it. You'll find at the Apple Store that most of the middle managers are confidence men; tricksters who are able to put on a face and get a position in management, but when it comes down to it they're fucking useless. At my store there's a real prick - okay, I suppose I ought to be honest, they are a lot of pricks - but specifically there are pricks who hold clipboards and 'lead' the floor. If you're a 'lead' at an Apple Store and you aren't sure why people don't like you, or why you don't get invited to drinks after work, or why you're 29 and still live with your parents, this clipboard has a lot to do with it.

The floor leads (people who hold clipboards and don't do a fucking thing) have nothing to do all day but tell people when to go on their lunch breaks. It seems pretty easy right? Well, as it happens these fucking upstarts have tremendous difficulty reading the time. Every shift I'm on I have to take my break more than an hour after it's due. It sounds like no big deal right? Well, if I start at 10, and they decide to generously give me a break at 4 you can imagine I might get pretty hungry right? Well, imagine having some pompous dickhead without any education walk up, grab you by the shoulder and ask (tell you) if it's okay, can you stay on the floor for another 20 minutes? Would it be okay if you wait another 20 minutes? 5 more minutes? By this point you're actually shaking of hunger. It's now 6pm and you've had to work right through lunch time and your planned break because some lobotomized peckerhead leading the floor can't read 24 hour time, or 12 hour time. If ever you have the audacity to ask to take your break you'll be told to toughen up, that the customer comes first or some other macho bullshit.

For those of us working at the apple store who like to eat food at some point during an 8 hour shift, here are a few tips to help you nourish yourself:

1. Talk to the lead like they've given you a kidney and saved your mother from cancer. Refer to them with words like "Lord", "Savior" and "Catamite". They won't know what a catamite is, but they'll realize how complimentary it is after they Google it.

2. Get on your knees and lick their shoes clean. This sounds like a bit much, but I've done this at least 12 times in my store and (I can assure you) I've found floor leads shoes to be an excellent source of protein. The leads think you're doing this out of admiration, but it's enough sustenance to get you through a 12 hour shift without any break at all.

3. Become pregnant or get cancer or diabetes or something. It’s a small price to pay for an excuse to get food.

If these don't work my final tip is to just walk off the fucking floor. If your break is at 12, take your break at 12. Don't let these fucking cunts bully you into staying on the floor without eating. Don't ruin your health in the false promise you might be Steve Jobs one day.