Monday, 3 January 2011

Steps of service

   When you first start work at Apple, you are taught how to interact with another human being. You'll take it with a pinch of salt, but after you realise any brain-dead zombie will stammer into your store, you'll quickly abide by your own steps of service, which in no doubt will be similar to the steps listed here.

  • Approach customer with your bog standard "hi there", and don't try to personalize it otherwise you'll accidentally come out with "Nice haircut dickhead. What the fuck are you looking at a Mac mini for?"
  • Probe politely to try to find out how much money the customer has, as it looks like not much and you may well have to explain that unfortunately we don't give cash discounts to the tax evading working class.
  • Present a solution that the customer cannot afford to take home today, including the likes of various crap like MobileMe.
  • Listen for any regional accents, grammar mistakes or any other signs that signal this finance will not go through.
  • End with an apology from the bank, a smug look on your face and an invitation to return on your day off.