The CrApple Store

    Unless you've been living under a rock, you know most Apple and non-Apple sites forums and blogs twitted this week about the blog of a former Apple employee. Unfortunately for legal reasons and the danger of putting the jobs of those who have no choice of still working there at risk, our fellow blogger has shut down the site, it is not certain who the current owner is and there's yet no activity.

    But, no need to worry, The iPhone Fever indexed all the funny, sad, vulgar posts and hillarious videos and has restored them to their former "glory"! (btw, did you know Apple forbids the word "the"?).

    So check this tab out for old and new (that's right, I said new!) stories about The CrApple Store and see how the employees at Foxconn in China aren't the only ones suffering. If you plan to work for Apple, or know somebody that might, share these posts with them before it's too late.

The story of the original CrAppleStore.blogspot.com blogger:

   "Chances are you've found your way here because you've googled something like 'working in Apple retail is fucking shit'. I hope so anyway. For those about to leave their soul at home and start work in an Apple Store, read this blog before seriously considering staying more than a month. For those already trapped, enjoy.
   It began with a list of reasons why working for Apple Retail is fucking shit, and just spiraled out of control. I couldn't keep it inside anymore, and so have decided to share the hate with the rest of the world."

There are 3 categories of posts:

• Standard posts - day-to-day with Apple, rants
• NetPromoaner - real stories of other employees
• Apple Retail Stories - a little about jerk customers

Midnight repairs

Here's probably what the Specialists are up to...

    For a start, someone needs to tell some dickhead at Apple that 'same day' repairs and 'within 24 hours' ARE NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING. If you dropped your computer off at lunchtime on a Thursday to be told it will be ready and repaired on the same day, too fucking right you're gonna expect it to be ready on Thursday evening. If Apple can get it ready for you Friday morning, they consider that 'same day'!! It's fucking laughable! What fucking planet are they on. Friday is not Thursday, thus not SAME DAY. Stupid. Cunts.

In order to get these topcases switched over by the next morning, you may find that as a Genius, you need to be repairing until midnight. After a long day of swapping phones, I can say they last thing I wanted to do was start repairing computers. I'd probably spend 2 hours replacing a screen on a unibody white MacBook and give the manager some bullshit story about how "the DFI ribbon-micro cable is really difficult to fit on this model", whist thinking "I'm secretly lolling in your face right now"

Seriously though, who wants to spend their life repairing shit computers until midnight? You're not gonna get in until 1, asleep 'til 2, and if you're on a clopen, then you're fucked mate.

Net Promoaner Part 18

Check out how dread this one is:

"3 years ago, I had been late twice within a 90 day period - which you know means if you're late or call off FOR ANY REASON within the 90 day period for two more times, you're fired. No considerations. I had a miscarriage, and guess what? It counted against me. Even with me bringing in the paperwork. It was humiliating to deal with management and HR not caring, while dealing with the emotional trauma of losing a child. A week later, I was fired as Genius Admin, and given a job as "Phone Concierge." The Admin position was given to a strapping young lad who, obviously, wasn't planning on getting pregnant any time soon.

3 months later, I became pregnant again, and was very ill during my first trimester. Some mornings, I could not get out of bed. They began counting this against me, and had me do FMLA through Matrix, so they legally couldn't fire me. I continued to get comments from the managers about me "dealing with it" and "not letting it get to me." The managers even denied my maternity leave for my last month of pregnancy - until I called HR on them.

Luckily, I was smart enough to let them pay my maternity leave for 5 months after I had my daughter, and I quit and never looked back. Coming from pre-iPhone Apple Retail, I am incredibly disappointed on where the company has gone. Thank you for your blog."

Thanks Jill, and thanks for sharing.

Core Training

As if you'd get that much literature nowdays

    The lies start at Core Training. I should have known when strangers cheered and whooped me as I walked in. They'll tell you things that you will find to be not true, and they'll also miss out things that will quickly rear their prospective ugly heads. Let's start with what you'll be told:

Apple is an amazing place to work.

There are tremendous growth opportunities.

You will be first to touch the products.

---

Here's some things that they won't say:

     In order to make the job permanent, you will need to hit 2 out of 3 attaches. Otherwise you can fuck off. We don't want people that won't help me get my fat bonus.

If you are here wanting to be a Family Room Specialist, you will be a bitch and do all the jobs instore, including being shouted out and called a liar on the Genius Bar, and also teach people who paid to learn from a trainer on subjects you know nothing about.

We will treat you like shit.

Apple Retail Stories: The most ridiculous cases of life enrichment

Jenny has her little story to tell:

"This guy comes (obviously with no appointment, and on a Saturday) with a broken first gen iPod touch. The Concierge/LOF/AQM/bar-bitch points out the HUGE queue of people waiting and explains that unfortunately he cannot be seen today, as all these people have appointments and are waiting ahead of him. Causing a massive scene, the manager skips over to see what all the fuss is about. He complains that the screen has cracked on his 3/4 year old iPod, (the iPod is battered), the battery is terrible, and he can't use Skype to call people. So yep, you've guessed it, manager gives him an iPhone 4. I swear I nearly walked out."


That truly is a disgusting story. But it's OK 'cos he'll go and tell all his friends what a fabulous life enriching time he had at the Apple store! Or will he go home laughing tell other scum that he knows that you can go in and be a prick and walk out with a free iPhone? I just can't decide...

Net Promoaner Part 17

This one comes in from another human:

"I have to say, the part that is worst about working in an Apple Store is the lies. I am very happy to work in an environment that is all about numbers and sales figures as long as the company is honest about it. Before joining Apple, we were told that this wasn't a company that cared about sales figures or targets and yet all we hear about in downloads is the targets and sales figures we didn't meet and how it was entirely our fault (and not remotely circumstantial) that we didn't meet them on a day-to-day basis."

True, it's aaaalllll about the figures.

Save A Genius!!

Why not do your bit to help out a random Genius, by making their Saturday go a little easier? But how can you do this from the comfort of your own home? Book some fake appointments!!

Geniuses all over the world have been doing this for a long time to try and stretch out their day, so I've decided to help out some of our soldiers by seeing if the readers will step up and help a random store.

The lucky store in question is.......

As it stands, the appointment availability for Saturday 12th February is as follows, with Mac appointments on the left, and iPhone on the right.

Right then, let's get started! I'm pretty sure Immanuel Goldberg has a problem with his topcase....

Here's the all important link:

Crabtree Valley Concierge

Net Promoaner Part 16

Whoa, someone who wishes to remain anonymous shares a story with us, regarding the midnight Genius repair shifts.

"It started last June 2010 when all of the Genii where pulled into the managers office one by one. Everyone else was outraged and stated that they would quit before working until midnight. It was kind of ironic though, I had the least reaction compared to the other Genii. I don't have a problem with change and said that I would give it a try. This change was supposed to give us more time during the day to help customers at the bar. Possibly even extending our time per appointments beyond the 15 minute mark. It was promised that we would even have the opportunity to do "while you wait" repairs for the easier fixes. This midnight shift was also focused on giving the Genius team an uninterrupted 4 hours each night to do repairs. It was mandatory that each one of us worked at least 3 midnight shifts per each work week. 

I was lucky compared to most of the others. I didn't have any of the "cl-open" shifts (close one night, open the next day). These "cl-open" shifts resulted in about 8 hours between shifts. I couldn't believe that this was possible let alone legal. They weren't even flexible if we had kids to drop off at school early the next morning, and had complete disregard to our personal life.

I remember that I started to condition myself a week prior to my first midnight shift. I had to force myself to stay up late which was very difficult. My whole family was involved in attempting to keep me up until the stroke of midnight. After about 3 months of these midnight shifts I started to realize that I couldn't fall asleep when I returned home after my shift. I would find myself falling asleep later and later each following week, sometimes as late as 5 AM. I had gone to the manager with my concerns and they said that if it was a problem to go find a different job. Seriously, they told me to quit and get a different job, with no compassion whatsoever. 

This sleep deprivation really started becoming a health concern as I was urged by my wife to see the doctor to discuss my poor sleep habits. The Dr. was outraged that a big company like Apple, is mandating that I change my lifestyle, creating such an unhealthy work environment. As all American Drs do, she prescribed medication to correct it. The only other option I had, was to quit and I couldn't afford that option. The new medication was supposed to help me fall asleep better. The new med worked, but with some side effects. I feel like I'm only awake to work and I can't even enjoy my time off with my wife and family.

In October I had contacted Matrix to see what they could do. After about 2 months I was turned over to HR and there has been no change. According to HR part of the Genius requirements are to work 3 midnight shifts a week. They asked if I could at least do 2 as an exception, but they are completely missing the point.

Currently I wake up, eat, work, sleep repeat. I have no energy to do anything before or after my shift. The quality of life has diminished. I spend my days off napping and lazy. My wife cries on a monthly basis as she is frustrated that I am unable spend any time with her. I've asked to be on all late shifts or all early shifts just have some consistent sleep patterns. They said it's not an option.

The worst part of the whole deal is that I don't see any improvement with our abilities to help people at the bar or repairs. Their studies showed that we are better off doing repairs later in our shifts rather than first thing in the morning. I can't see how that is possible when I and the rest of the team are completely exhausted. They said that we would be able to do "while you wait" repairs. That can't happen due to the lack of personnel working during the daytime to accommodate the night shifts. They said that the late shifts would result in uninterrupted repair time. We are still being interrupted between the 8 to 9 o'clock hour. The studies also showed that there was no need for the Genius Bar to be open between eight and nine o'clock. That doesn't make any sense either.

I hope that this doesn't get me fired. I'm a little worried about retaliation from Apple so please make this post anonymous. I'm just curious to know if this is normal amongst all stores and if there are others that feel as I do.

Thanks for hearing me out."

Boom. We all felt, and in many cases/stores still feel exactly the same. It's unhealthy, fucking boring, no better for the customers, moral is much lower, tiring... I could go on. Why don't Apple actually ask the Genius Teams for their input? Surely being on the bar all day everyday they have a good idea of when the bar works best? Apple would rather leave the decisions to some corporate idiot who has never worked a day on the shop floor in their entire life, let alone the bar, who sits their looking at figures, stats, and probably the value or their shares. They'd rather make the change, then ask for 'feedback' only to ignore any negative comments. It's like talking to a fucking brick wall.

Apple, are you reading this?? I think that you are, so take it on board and actually go and 'enrich the lives' of the people who are, remember, 'the most important resource, the soul' of the company, as these are the people that worked their asses off so you could drive home tonight in that fancy car.

Apps by employees

    You know what sucks? Apple will tell you all the time to enrich lives, and that you are a very talented and creative individual and our products are here for people to enjoy blah blah blah, but if you have a great idea idea for an app, then you better quit right now. I can't remember the finer details, but it's either '"we fucking own everything you do" or "don't you dare even think about it". Thanks. I don't understand what they're so scared about, even if your app is totally unrelated to anything to do with Apple or the stores, they won't allow it. Bullshit.

Movies you should watch: Waiting

"God I can't wait to quit this job!"

    My favorite movie parallel has to be Waiting. This film has everything. Take Monty, Serena and Raddimus first. They work there, they think it's bullshit and don't care in the slightest about the customer or the brand. They all get on well with each other and are just looking forward to a few drinks with some good people at the weekend. These are your classic 'sound' specialists- probably at uni or maybe don't have a degree and are just earning a few bills to pay the rent and spend on beer.

    Then you've got Dean. Although only slightly educated, he knows that he's too good for this place. Like everyone else he realizes that this is not a career and is just a job, but thinks bigger and knows he needs to leave.

    Calvin is your classic LOF, suck-up clipboard wannabe manager weener who does see this as a career and would do anything to sit in the office and conduct Daily Brownload.

Look at the hate on that face.

    And then there's Dan- a manager who loves telling people what to do but who wanders around and does NO work whatsoever. He is also very weak and folds like origami when a customer kicks off and demands some free shit.

    There's bitchy customers, Naomi has been there 'waahaahaay too long', and Mitch has to sit through some core training bullshit videos in which you'll be introduced to Apple-esque Shennanigans slogans like "the difference between ordinary and extraordinary... is that little extra!"

Brilliant.

Sales Fails: Rhonda

     This dreadful technique lasted about 6 months, if that. The basic premise was if the customer wanted help from one of the Specialists, they would press a button in the centre of the screen and the desktop picture would change slightly from blue, to a kind of greeny blue. No buzzer or anything would go off, the Red Zone team were supposed to be vigilant of all machines on the shop floor, despite the fact they face in all directions and customer would have Safari over the top of the green screen. When they realised it wasn't working, they changed to to red, which freaked out the customers so much they would just walk away from the machine. Bollocks.

Apple Store Marriages

He couldn't get it in white, as this model only comes in black.

What??? Jokes.

Oh god I hope this doesn't offend anyone.

Fearless Feedback

     At Apple they have this way of talking to each other called 'Fearless Feedback'. I was told 'never be afraid to ask any questions to anyone at Apple, we're all ears' but that was a long time ago. I once went above the manager's head and asked a big dog a question via email, then my manager was CC'd in to the reply. And then my manager had a go at me for asking someone in the company a question.

Basically you are supposed to put a positive spin on anything, so take these examples. This is the real life, slightly childish way that we would all like to handle it:

But this is how it is supposed to go on Apple's watch:

Although I've never seen it in action. How would the manager react to the end of this:

"I appreciate that celebrity gossip is important, we all have our interests outside of work, and that Heat magazine is a superb publication, but right now there are 20 people queueing at the genius bar trying to buy iPhone cases. Do you think you could spare 5 minutes to lead by example and demonstrate how fantastic the EasyPay devices are by taking payment, bagging and emailing the receipt to customers that don't care for email receipts? Some of them might need onetoone to show them how to use the case too. Thanks."

Source

Net Promoaner Part 11-15

Booby let us know

"I worked at one in Arizona, USA. It sucked. All the employees are brainwashed hippies that think they have the best job in the world. They’re all mindless zombies who want the satisfaction of making a couple bucks over minimum wage without any incentives."

Cheers Bobby, glad you saw the light.

Another worthy goal for this year, D-man tells us

"At our last store meeting we watched Ron Johnson (on tape of course) talk non stop about how much money the company was making and how that was all thanks to us and that Apple had a special treat for us. We figured iPads, or iPods, a bonus, or something. Wrong. Instead of giving anything useful to us they had the mangers cook us breakfast. Fucking breakfast at our 8 am meeting. Would be nice if anyone knew about it, but seeing as our meetings go on for fucking hours everyone had already eaten. Thanks Apple. And at the next review they told everyone that it had been a hard season for retail, so they couldn't justify "extravagant" raises. Everyone got 1% or 2%. Our two store managers both bought new cars in the next 3 weeks. Assholes. My resolution for 2011 is to leave Apple."

Go for it!

Sian asked a personal story be posted:

"On the iPad launch day, I started work at 6am (without choice), only to receive a phone call at 10am to tell me that my girlfriend had been rushed to hospital. I didn’t know why, all I knew is that she had been rushed in with severe stomach pains and had collapsed. She only had her phone and her pyjamas. No shoes, no coat, no money, nothing.

I obviously went to my manager and asked to leave as she had no one else in the city, all of her friends had gone home for a uni break and her parents lived 3 hours away.

My managers response was this:

“This is the iPad launch. This is the most important product launch in ‘Apple History’. You are required at the store and you can’t go, especially since we don’t know what’s wrong with her, it might be nothing. Wait until you hear from the hospital.”

All I had done – being that I was the admin and my job was to book in parts, I had no experience using the fucking easy pays and didn’t know how to sell an iPhone. The only thing I could do was a ‘personal set up’ which involved me sitting next to someone and watching them open the box like a 5 year old and then, I shit you not, I had to CONGRATULATE them on their new iPhone 4, and show them how to put their fucking email on their phone for them because they have more money than brain cells. All of this was more important than my girlfriend being in hospital, despite the fact that there were like 45 people working that day.

He also said: “can’t she get a bus/taxi home herself?” He has missed the part about her having no money/clothes/shoes etc, and clearly not understood the fact that she had COLLAPSED in a great deal of pain.

One thing I might point out is that the store had absolutely no reception, and can you imagine a poor hospital nurse trying to phone a fucking Apple store on a day like the iPhone 4 launch?? The phone gets ignored on the best of days.

I eventually walked out at 1pm. Only to be reprimanded the next day for my rudeness.

I could send you many emails like this one, but I am at work, at my new, and wonderful job where I am treated like a human being and the people here are absolutely amazing, so I don’t want to take the piss.

If you could post this I’d be very grateful."

A long one, but worth a read! Thanks Sian

Ian says

"Can I just say, I work at a retail store in the Genius team and I think it is great to see someone take lead in voicing the horrid environment we work in at Apple Retail."

It's a pleasure.

The ComboBreaker says

"About time that somebody dug past the brainwashed assweeds that work here and the fake smiles. The managers are complete fucktards with ZERO product knowledge that will bend over backwards and take it in all holes to avoid a detractor. It's about time that somebody said "fuck the whiny cuntbags that are customers, fuck the lazy potheads at BOH, and fuck it to the smug pricks that are the geniuses and creatives (not all, I've seen some good ones)"

Ah huh. Now get back to work and rob some old people of an extra $99! Onetoone, ONETOONE!!!

New Store Openings (or 'NSO' for those in the know)

      The first thing you'll fucking hate is the opening a new store. You'd think from the cheering something major is happening, but really it just another fucking shop surrounded by other shit shops. Everyone whoops, cheers and delivers high fives all round, especially to the biggest loser of them all - the virgin at the front of the queue. Even old people get the cool young hip treatment, look at this poor bastard:

"Congratulations of leaving your piss sack at home and raise that liver spotted hand and gimme some skin bro!!" 

It's all worth it for that free t-shirt tho, comes in handy when cleaning the wheels on your car.

Steps of service

   When you first start work at Apple, you are taught how to interact with another human being. You'll take it with a pinch of salt, but after you realise any brain-dead zombie will stammer into your store, you'll quickly abide by your own steps of service, which in no doubt will be similar to the steps listed here.

• Approach customer with your bog standard "hi there", and don't try to personalize it otherwise you'll accidentally come out with "Nice haircut dickhead. What the fuck are you looking at a Mac mini for?"
• Probe politely to try to find out how much money the customer has, as it looks like not much and you may well have to explain that unfortunately we don't give cash discounts to the tax evading working class.
• Present a solution that the customer cannot afford to take home today, including the likes of various crap like MobileMe.
• Listen for any regional accents, grammar mistakes or any other signs that signal this finance will not go through.
• End with an apology from the bank, a smug look on your face and an invitation to return on your day off.

The Business Team

Black t-shirts with a collar. That's well business.

   Someone needs to tell the business team in my store that getting the VAT back on your purchases is not a discount, and to stop being so smug that they can offer such bullshit and actually work out what they can do for the customer. 
    "I've got this guy, he's spent loads of money here, is there any chance you can..." 
   Is there any chance you can tell him to shit off and get back to work?

The 5 Year plaque

I'm ashamed I own one of these.

   Hard to believe, but some people on the planet have actually been getting to yes for over 5 years. To confirm that the company then owns the employee's soul, they get given a little something for roughly ten thousand hours of work. Something cool right? Well get ready, it's a piece of paper in a cheap frame!




    Oh well, it's got Steve's signature on it, maybe it will be worth something on eBay. Oh hold on a sec, what was I thinking? It's just a printout. He can't take 60 seconds out of his month to say thanks to a dying breed of employees by scribbling on a piece of paper, he's too busy emailing customers back telling them how to hold a fucking mobile phone.

The Beatles

    We get it, you like The Beatles, so do I but for fuck's sake hearing the same fucking 10 songs all fucking day... I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.

  Can we please, please, PLEASE change the fucking record instore? Promo over, Beatles on iTunes, great.

P.S. I've forgotten the day already.

Sales Fails: The 2 minute ride

     Sales Fails will take a look back at some of the stupid ill-fated techniques Apple adopted in order to get customers out the door with a product, and today is the turn of the 2 minute ride.

    You see, before the iPhone, the store was actually a good place to shop. There was no over-crowding, no dumb fucking Specialists and absolutely no box-pushing. So much so some customers would be really surprised when you'd talk them down from a MacBook Pro to an entry level MacBook, and you could pretty much spend as long as you needed without rushing or being forced to sell them a product they didn't need and would never use.

    Maybe the 2 minute was the beginning of the end. We were told that you could now demo all the features of a Mac in 2 minutes, then move on. You had to open PhotoBooth, take a picture and drag it into Mail and Word. It never worked because, in our store at the time, there were no other customers to move along too. Specialists were confused after being told 'spend as long as the customer needs' to 'just give them 2 minutes'. Now you'll probably be lucky to get even a minute with someone that doesn't have a trendy haircut and knows what an eMac is.